surveillance is not friendship

stop keeping tabs on your friends and start reaching out to them!

here, i present my case

my mom was right, it really do be that damn phone! from stories, to tiktoks, to in-feed posts, i’ve gotten used to knowing what my friends are up to without them even telling me. i begrudgingly have a front row seat to events they’ve attended, cities they’ve visited, and people they’re spending their time with. and most of the time, i really wish i didn’t, yet i can’t help but look anyway.

growing up in the digital age (‘99 babies stand up!), my life was shaped by the rise of social media. it was common to interact with people online. i had done everything from liking posts for a tbh to sending in questions on askfm. i was built for all things internet, or so i thought. over the years, social media has transformed from a space to connect with people you share interests with and experiment with new forms of media to a tool for mining personal data and conducting surveillance. i know what you’re thinking. mining personal data? fine. but, surveillance? don’t you think that might be hyperbolic? i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s true (yes, the f*ds are monitoring our movements on social media). but, i won’t get into the freedom of speech part of it all. instead, i’ll be focusing on how a regular joe like me (and you) has normalized keeping tabs on people’s digital footprint and categorized it as “socializing”. and together, we can grapple with how our brains were not built to be bombarded with this much information on what people are up to every minute.

capitalism has bred a digital playground where people can be within such close reach but never actually touch. not only have we become cash cows for companies through paid media, but according to the Harvard Graduate School of Education, technology has majorly contributed to feelings of loneliness in the country. suffice to say, i hate it here. even in some of my closest relationships, social media has watered seeds of isolation to full bloom while i withered away in the corner of my room. i am not god’s strongest soldier. unfortunately, i do fall victim to experiencing FOMO and comparing myself to others. when i see people’s posts, my brain becomes clouded with thoughts of “i didn’t know they were hanging out tonight”, “why wasn’t i invited?”, or worst and least dramatic of all “am i wasting my precious youth?”

live image of me scrolling on socials

technology has made it easy to access the best parts of people’s lives. the part where we’re booked and busy. the part where we’re in the streets and the night is always young. the part that we want people to see. so it’s easy to assume that what we’re seeing is the truth. maybe, like me, it deters you from reaching out to people because you think that they have better things to do anyway. so instead, you keep scrolling. you keep tapping. you keep tabs. the accessibility through social media makes you feel a conflicting sense of closeness and distance because even though you feel like you’re in the know, you’re really not. so, instead of giving people you want to talk to a ring, the phone stays silent on both ends.

as much as i’d like to say friendship comes easily to me, it takes a lot for me to call someone my friend — a sense of belonging, intimacy, and trust. even when big tech has produced dopamine-rich ways of keeping our eyes glued to each other’s lives with rarely any effort, i know that friendship is beyond being a witness. it requires hard work. it requires discomfort. it requires putting yourself out there without necessarily knowing what lies on the other side. while the quick gratification of views, likes, and DMs feel magical, it is all a grand delusion. i know the people watching my stories won’t pick up my calls to talk about today’s hottest memes or the latest lore about the tabby cat who lives at my building. why would they? i barely know these people, i don’t even have most of their numbers!

without a structured environment to share common spaces with people my age, i’ve grown accustomed to watching people’s lives through a screen to mimic the feeling. but, this is not the type of connection i crave. it is more like a pacifier. i want to bring back spontaneous hang outs, reaching out with random life updates, and making plans with urgency because you need to spill tea. i want to lay on my tummy, kicking my feet while we exchange stories without the algorithm interfering. and can i be honest? i don’t even care to know about half the things i scroll past. i care to know what people want to tell me. because it’s important to them. because they thought of me. because our relationship is ours.

i yearn for interactions that are not surveilled and flipped into a chance to make profit by big tech. i long for chats that require more than a quick swipe. i crave banter, doing bits, and being silly out loud. i desire relationships free from the nature of ogling just for the sake of it.

so, rather than watching the homies’ stories, i will be reaching out to share that good good instead.

manifesting her….

here’s a list of shit that i want to do to bring back the golden age of friendship!

• deleting social media apps off of my phone! (goodbye oligarchs, hello touching grass and hugging friends)

• watch parties! (hello? we are living in the era of some of the greatest TV shows, let’s sit in the dark and share commentary)

• reading in silence together (book girlies rise! and give me your reading recs)

• reaching out and making plans because i want to! (even when our conversation doesn’t naturally go there)

• calling friends randomly (because i want to chat and/or hear their voice hehe)

• saying yes to spontaneous plans (even when i’m uncomfy because i’m a routine girlie)

• doing arts and crafts together (even ones i’m bad at!)

• laying out in the sun. that’s it. that’s the activity. (can you tell i’m excited about warmer weather?)

• trying new things together and being open to experiences (archery, anyone?)

• texting people things that make me think of them (especially when i haven’t talked to them in a while)

• doing things despite fears and doubts of rejection and awkwardness <3