being useful won't save you

the gnawing urge to be useful is actually anxiety and self-worth issues in a really bad wig.

evelyn, my hero

i was convinced that my life’s work would be saving the world. i thought i would be a vet, a surgeon, or, for a very brief stint, a lawyer. but, i realized i actually didn’t want any of this for myself. this mid-pandemic epiphany left me at a loss. i built my entire life around pursuing a career that would single-handedly change the world. someone should have told me at 18 that those didn’t exist!

but, this line of thinking didn’t stop at my career. this venom had seeped its way into other parts of my life before i even know what a job was. spoiler alert: the gnawing urge to be useful was actually anxiety and self-worth issues in a really bad wig.

i accidentally pavlov’s dogged my way into being an adult people pleaser. my ego lapped up trophies for answering calls even when i was depleted and didn’t want to talk. my neck happily shone with medals for lightening the load without being asked. and don’t get me started on the awards from always having something to give. even when my gas tank was empty and crying out for help. this dopamine rush shaped what i believed my role would be in society. in relationships. in my family. how else would people know i loved and cared for them if i didn’t consistently ask, “what can i do to help?”

i flexed this muscle substantially at such a young age that it’s now a reflex. my autopilot became programmed around providing. i’d offer myself up on a platter before i knew if i even wanted to do it. but, it ultimately didn’t matter. even when i was reluctant, my strength to override my brain’s natural response to be agreeable was weak. so, instead of repeatedly fighting the urge, i grew comfortable in this cycle as it wrung me out to dry.

i was just doing what girls are expected to do — be nurturing, valuable caregivers. am i not expected to follow the blueprint of taking on the world’s burdens with a smile plastered on my face? in fact, isn’t it romantic, sexy even, to grind my bones to sawdust and move mountains without expecting a ‘thank you’? let me provide, despite the sacrifice. let me extend myself as far as i can, so you can use my body as a hammock. let me dispense good deed after good deed even if i might fucking hate it because i’m terrified i might be cast aside if i don’t.

the substack gods heard my cries

i have embedded this routine so far into my dna that i have paid multiple therapists to teach me how to stop. i don’t want to be of use anymore. i want to love and be loved without trading myself for it. i want to stop wearing what i can do for others as a safety blanket. i want to pour into my relationships out of abundance and desire instead of fear.

over time, i have learned to let calls go to voicemail. i have let silence sit where i used to insert solutions. i have made amends with my body for volunteering her without asking first. i have focused my energy and time into decoding my desires. without the distraction, i am getting to know myself again.

i have to be honest — i’m still working through this notion that my plain existence warrants love. that i do not have to do anything to deserve it. that i do not have to barter blood, sweat, and tears for acceptance. it is a lesson i have to teach myself over and over and over again.

and it is a lesson i am happy to keep learning. i am allowed to say “no”. i am allowed to let others take the wheel. i am allowed to love and live in a way that fills my cup and not feel selfish when it dares to overflow.

and when all is said and done, i am allowed to be there for myself first.

if you have found yourself trapped under the weight of usefulness, i hope you know you don’t have to carry it alone. that relationships always go both ways. i understand being afraid of coming short of expectations, especially when you probably have set the bar in an unsustainable manner. but, the people who truly love you will choose to stick around because they see you and the color you bring to their world. just as you are.

this could be us…if u even care