rewiring your nervous system is not an easy thing to do and it is a very long yet rewarding journey. But you are right the relationships that see me for who I was not what I gave did stick around and have been stronger than ever. I hope you share the same journey <3
appreciate your note tons! it’s been a very long, tiring journey but i’m very proud of myself for the improvements so far. i'd rather do this now than when these habits are further embedded into my brain. i love to hear about your relationships!! that makes me so happy and fills me with hope :D i have trust that the right relationships will do the same for me as i navigate a season of life where i’m forced to focus inward rather than outward!
wow! your metaphoric language is so relieving to the people-pleaser wound. I talk about this frequently with my therapist and we realized that my anxiety manifested as over-productivity. It's that very over-productivity that I am praised for. How can I let my anxiety go when it's my ticket to societal acceptance and power? How are my people-pleasing tendencies contributing to this illusion of control? I wanted to feel needed by others, and my usefulness made their lives easier while it made me weaker. It's still something I'm working on.
I read your piece and really took in each line and feeling - thank you for sharing this!
"How are my people-pleasing tendencies contributing to this illusion of control? I wanted to feel needed by others, and my usefulness made their lives easier while it made me weaker. It's still something I'm working on." OHHHHHHH YOU ATE WITH THIS!!!!! This puts so much of how I feel into words! it's such a double edged sword to be a person dependent on people depending on you 🥹 i am also still on this journey and find so much relief that people understand how i feel because it truly is sometimes such an isolating experience. i am trying to retrain my body to not see rest/slowing down as the enemy and instead a time to focus on myself. all that productive energy girl, i gotta put it back into me!!!
i really appreciate you sharing this and also sharing your time with me by reading this piece 🥹 big big big virtual hugs
!!! "How can I let my anxiety go when it's my ticket to societal acceptance and power?" just made me realize this branches further into my deeply rooted values and views around (social) currency. When you're taught to feel indebted to those around (not just grateful! that's somehow not enough!), becoming "recognizably" dependable feels like both liberation from this debt AND an investment, something useful to cash out on for future use. This is when my people-pleasing blurs into manipulation, which I've come to believe is not inherently malicious but not as much a necessity any more: I've made it this far in life! It just feels like security to hold on to these unclaimed "favors". Am I only a nice person because I am frugal in this sense?
loved reading your comment, best of luck on ~working on it~ <3
I often find myself using my "culture" and upbringing to defend my people pleasing tendencies. these values have been so deeply ingrained and woven into my existence ("be of service", "if you don't do it, who will?") that i had such a physiological reaction when I moved to the US as a fresh adult, after having lived my entire life in SEA. Whenever I see criticism of (western) individualistic philosophies, I can't help but feel pride in how much the "value of community" was hammered into me growing up. Reading pieces like this though!!! I realize that I was mostly taught that to get to partake in this sense of belonging and community, a price must be paid. How were people supposed to know I could be of service to them unless they could see, smell, hear it from miles away? How was I really being helpful if I didn't reek of sacrifice?
yes yes yes a million times yes! i am also south east asian, born and raised there, now living in the U.S. like you, community was deeply embedded into our way of life. i am a full believer that communities and individuals are intertwined - our health, wellness, and success have influence on each other. when one of us wins, we all win. when one of us falls, we all have a role to play in holding this person up. while this is a point of pride for me, i also am working through how we can show up for community while still prioritizing our own wellbeing. to me, is not about self-sacrifice and bending over til your back breaks. it is mutual respect and care towards each other, tending to each other's needs as well as our own. i still don't fully have the words for it, but i am with you, and it is so important that we look at our cultures and traditions to analyze what behavior was rewarded and praised (i.e. people pleasing / framing unhealthy behavior as selflessness) and reframing those things. we are doing the work and i am very proud of that!
appreciate you giving this a read and for sharing your thoughts! i am so happy you brought the point up about culture, so much of the way i think, write, and create art in general is shaped by the people who raised me and the motherland so it means a lot to me that this point came up for you while reading this! <3
God this is so real. Hits too close actually. When I was a teenager I swung the other way because I subconsciously understood what society asked of women: subservience. I think offering yourself to help people first thing is a form of subservience, as you CONSTANLTY aim to serve others first. I didn't wanna do that, but I got too selfish and closed off. Now, I'm opening up a little but I feel myself swing the other way, approaching the other extreme. I accepted to be a part of 2 extracurriculars at uni (when I have classes and a part time JOB?!) just to 'help out'. Big mistake. Nobody cared. But I cared about helping others. Turns out I was doing it to my own detriment. I'm still trying to unlearn that as I see it show up in all the spheres of my life. I love helping the people I love, I just don't want to do it at the detriment of my own being.
i appreciate you so much for sharing this with me! i can totally understand living within the extremes of the spectrum, i feel my pendulum swinging hard right now too. personally, it's hard to stay open in a way that still serves me and is authentic to my wants and needs too. i hope that you are able to prioritize your needs and all aspects of your well-being while you navigate all of this. being of service to others is not always a bad thing, but you are a person you need to care for too! sending you love and lots of hugs 💕
oh my goodness yes. When my first baby was born, I was overwhelmed with love and the realization that this baby who was so fragile and precious and couldn’t “do” anything was teaching me that I don’t need to do anything to be worthy of love. If that makes any sense 🫶
It’s something I’ve been reflecting on a lot. I am currently a lawyer and it was crystal clear to me from day one in law school that people pursue careers like this often out of the same psychological need of getting the gold star in school when they were younger. I was guilty of that too a bit even though I also became a public defender out of principle. But now I’m trying to become a musician and I’m writing an album. Good luck to you this journey isn’t easy but it’s fulfilling!
i appreciate you SO much for sharing this with me. as you know, i was guilty of it too (but pre-med). so far, i’ve learned that it’s not a sin to want a gold star or be accomplished. but when we are constantly looking for these things outwardly, our souls get sucked into exhaustion. you are doing great and amazing things, not because you are a lawyer or a musician (which both are fucking awesome btw, congrats!!!). good luck to you too and i know that we got this <3
who gave you permission to write about my life? 😭😭
jokes aside though this is incredible and so utterly true. it is exhausting, and something i’m still trying to work through. the guilt is too strong though.
i’m glad you’re learning to rewire! here’s to all of us learning how to as well 🫡
this was so healing. it’s so easy to fall into that trap of thinking you have to constantly give to prove your worth, especially when you’ve been conditioned to do so. i really admire the way you’re unlearning that and making space for yourself. it’s a tough, ongoing process, but the fact that you’re even recognizing it and choosing to prioritize yourself speaks volumes. you’re allowed to just be and still be loved for who you are, not just what you do. thank you for sharing this - so many people will feel seen by it. i know i did. 💛
you are such a gem!!!! thank you for your kind, thoughtful words. i am glad to be crawling my way out of the trap as we speak. life is forcing me to do so and while it’s uncomfortable, i am truly grateful. thank YOU for reading this and sharing how you felt seen by it. that truly means a lot to me!
upon reading the first few sentences, i started to well up. It’s been a while since I’ve read something that spoke so deeply to a core issue of mine, in such a timely manner. This crippling way of living really contributes to the complete shame i feel toward my past (and present) failures, which in turn pushes me harder to make myself as perfect and available as possible to everyone around me. It’s a cycle, and this post makes me feel more and more determined to break it. Thank you so much for speaking to my and others’ souls.
waking up to this comment makes me emotional. it means a lot to me that this piece touched you so much. i hope that with time, the shame you feel dissipates and you can be more gentle with yourself. you do not have to be perfect (for anyone, even yourself). and i hope that the people who love you uplift you in your journey towards breaking away from this pattern that is no longer useful to you. thank YOU for not only reading my piece but sharing a piece of your story with me. giving you such big virtual hugs and hoping that you can treat yourself with the kindness you’ve so often shown others. 💗
This resonated so much wow—I needed to hear all of this. I tend to fall into a cycle in all of my relationships, new and existing ones where I begin to invest more into, where it feels like I’m the one bending over backwards. Constantly checking in, offering emotional support, a listening ear, and setting intentions. Rarely, is this reciprocated and although I try to not “expect” anything you helped me realize I treat my self awareness of my ability to offer emotional support as currency. I throw dollar bills at people hoping they’ll catch them, put them at their waist, and maybe just maybe spend time with me. Maybe that’s a dramatic example LOL but I think yk what I mean.
not dramatic at all and i totally feel that!! it absolutely IS currency and a way for us to signal to people, look!! im valuable aren’t i? im worth of your time and investment aren’t i? and it’s hard to get off this hamster wheel when the feedback loop is so strong. but i just KNOW we’re gonna break this cycle together!!! love the metaphor you used btw for emotional support/investment <3
rewiring your nervous system is not an easy thing to do and it is a very long yet rewarding journey. But you are right the relationships that see me for who I was not what I gave did stick around and have been stronger than ever. I hope you share the same journey <3
appreciate your note tons! it’s been a very long, tiring journey but i’m very proud of myself for the improvements so far. i'd rather do this now than when these habits are further embedded into my brain. i love to hear about your relationships!! that makes me so happy and fills me with hope :D i have trust that the right relationships will do the same for me as i navigate a season of life where i’m forced to focus inward rather than outward!
wow! your metaphoric language is so relieving to the people-pleaser wound. I talk about this frequently with my therapist and we realized that my anxiety manifested as over-productivity. It's that very over-productivity that I am praised for. How can I let my anxiety go when it's my ticket to societal acceptance and power? How are my people-pleasing tendencies contributing to this illusion of control? I wanted to feel needed by others, and my usefulness made their lives easier while it made me weaker. It's still something I'm working on.
I read your piece and really took in each line and feeling - thank you for sharing this!
xo
delly
"How are my people-pleasing tendencies contributing to this illusion of control? I wanted to feel needed by others, and my usefulness made their lives easier while it made me weaker. It's still something I'm working on." OHHHHHHH YOU ATE WITH THIS!!!!! This puts so much of how I feel into words! it's such a double edged sword to be a person dependent on people depending on you 🥹 i am also still on this journey and find so much relief that people understand how i feel because it truly is sometimes such an isolating experience. i am trying to retrain my body to not see rest/slowing down as the enemy and instead a time to focus on myself. all that productive energy girl, i gotta put it back into me!!!
i really appreciate you sharing this and also sharing your time with me by reading this piece 🥹 big big big virtual hugs
!!! "How can I let my anxiety go when it's my ticket to societal acceptance and power?" just made me realize this branches further into my deeply rooted values and views around (social) currency. When you're taught to feel indebted to those around (not just grateful! that's somehow not enough!), becoming "recognizably" dependable feels like both liberation from this debt AND an investment, something useful to cash out on for future use. This is when my people-pleasing blurs into manipulation, which I've come to believe is not inherently malicious but not as much a necessity any more: I've made it this far in life! It just feels like security to hold on to these unclaimed "favors". Am I only a nice person because I am frugal in this sense?
loved reading your comment, best of luck on ~working on it~ <3
I see myself in this so much, you are not alone x
I often find myself using my "culture" and upbringing to defend my people pleasing tendencies. these values have been so deeply ingrained and woven into my existence ("be of service", "if you don't do it, who will?") that i had such a physiological reaction when I moved to the US as a fresh adult, after having lived my entire life in SEA. Whenever I see criticism of (western) individualistic philosophies, I can't help but feel pride in how much the "value of community" was hammered into me growing up. Reading pieces like this though!!! I realize that I was mostly taught that to get to partake in this sense of belonging and community, a price must be paid. How were people supposed to know I could be of service to them unless they could see, smell, hear it from miles away? How was I really being helpful if I didn't reek of sacrifice?
Painful read, thank you for writing <3
yes yes yes a million times yes! i am also south east asian, born and raised there, now living in the U.S. like you, community was deeply embedded into our way of life. i am a full believer that communities and individuals are intertwined - our health, wellness, and success have influence on each other. when one of us wins, we all win. when one of us falls, we all have a role to play in holding this person up. while this is a point of pride for me, i also am working through how we can show up for community while still prioritizing our own wellbeing. to me, is not about self-sacrifice and bending over til your back breaks. it is mutual respect and care towards each other, tending to each other's needs as well as our own. i still don't fully have the words for it, but i am with you, and it is so important that we look at our cultures and traditions to analyze what behavior was rewarded and praised (i.e. people pleasing / framing unhealthy behavior as selflessness) and reframing those things. we are doing the work and i am very proud of that!
appreciate you giving this a read and for sharing your thoughts! i am so happy you brought the point up about culture, so much of the way i think, write, and create art in general is shaped by the people who raised me and the motherland so it means a lot to me that this point came up for you while reading this! <3
emilia, this was incredible. I resonate with this so much. That last line! It will follow my mind for years as I constantly seek inspiration from it!
xo,
delly
the everything everywhere all at once references and the screenshot of that post broke me
i am with you!!! that movie makes me cry every time top 3 and she's not 3. thank you for reading!!
God this is so real. Hits too close actually. When I was a teenager I swung the other way because I subconsciously understood what society asked of women: subservience. I think offering yourself to help people first thing is a form of subservience, as you CONSTANLTY aim to serve others first. I didn't wanna do that, but I got too selfish and closed off. Now, I'm opening up a little but I feel myself swing the other way, approaching the other extreme. I accepted to be a part of 2 extracurriculars at uni (when I have classes and a part time JOB?!) just to 'help out'. Big mistake. Nobody cared. But I cared about helping others. Turns out I was doing it to my own detriment. I'm still trying to unlearn that as I see it show up in all the spheres of my life. I love helping the people I love, I just don't want to do it at the detriment of my own being.
i appreciate you so much for sharing this with me! i can totally understand living within the extremes of the spectrum, i feel my pendulum swinging hard right now too. personally, it's hard to stay open in a way that still serves me and is authentic to my wants and needs too. i hope that you are able to prioritize your needs and all aspects of your well-being while you navigate all of this. being of service to others is not always a bad thing, but you are a person you need to care for too! sending you love and lots of hugs 💕
oh my goodness yes. When my first baby was born, I was overwhelmed with love and the realization that this baby who was so fragile and precious and couldn’t “do” anything was teaching me that I don’t need to do anything to be worthy of love. If that makes any sense 🫶
yes!! children, just by solely existing teach us so much about ourselves and the world. <3
This is so excellent thank you.
i appreciate you so much!!
It’s something I’ve been reflecting on a lot. I am currently a lawyer and it was crystal clear to me from day one in law school that people pursue careers like this often out of the same psychological need of getting the gold star in school when they were younger. I was guilty of that too a bit even though I also became a public defender out of principle. But now I’m trying to become a musician and I’m writing an album. Good luck to you this journey isn’t easy but it’s fulfilling!
i appreciate you SO much for sharing this with me. as you know, i was guilty of it too (but pre-med). so far, i’ve learned that it’s not a sin to want a gold star or be accomplished. but when we are constantly looking for these things outwardly, our souls get sucked into exhaustion. you are doing great and amazing things, not because you are a lawyer or a musician (which both are fucking awesome btw, congrats!!!). good luck to you too and i know that we got this <3
This has me ugly crying in the bathroom at work 😭😭😭 well done 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 I am you 🫵🏾 and you are me 🤗🤗. This was beautiful 🤩. We will heal ❤️🩹❤️🩹
ahhhhh!!! i am glad we see each other 👁️👄👁️ thankful for you reading this piece and we absolutely see healing!!
who gave you permission to write about my life? 😭😭
jokes aside though this is incredible and so utterly true. it is exhausting, and something i’m still trying to work through. the guilt is too strong though.
i’m glad you’re learning to rewire! here’s to all of us learning how to as well 🫡
so glad you found this piece and we can be in it together, even if just for a moment! here's to us!!!! 💙
this was so healing. it’s so easy to fall into that trap of thinking you have to constantly give to prove your worth, especially when you’ve been conditioned to do so. i really admire the way you’re unlearning that and making space for yourself. it’s a tough, ongoing process, but the fact that you’re even recognizing it and choosing to prioritize yourself speaks volumes. you’re allowed to just be and still be loved for who you are, not just what you do. thank you for sharing this - so many people will feel seen by it. i know i did. 💛
you are such a gem!!!! thank you for your kind, thoughtful words. i am glad to be crawling my way out of the trap as we speak. life is forcing me to do so and while it’s uncomfortable, i am truly grateful. thank YOU for reading this and sharing how you felt seen by it. that truly means a lot to me!
This read was the hug that I needed. It'll be the warm embrace that I'll return to as much as needed. Thank you for this Jaz!
giving you big big hugs <3 you got this~
This speaks to so many generations of women in my family and something I am currently working through. Thank you for sharing your words
yes!! was literally just talking to my therapist about this today. being a cycle breaker is so hard but necessary. you are not alone in this <3
Wow, this was so good and needed
appreciate you 🥹 and giving you big virtual hugs! 🫂
upon reading the first few sentences, i started to well up. It’s been a while since I’ve read something that spoke so deeply to a core issue of mine, in such a timely manner. This crippling way of living really contributes to the complete shame i feel toward my past (and present) failures, which in turn pushes me harder to make myself as perfect and available as possible to everyone around me. It’s a cycle, and this post makes me feel more and more determined to break it. Thank you so much for speaking to my and others’ souls.
waking up to this comment makes me emotional. it means a lot to me that this piece touched you so much. i hope that with time, the shame you feel dissipates and you can be more gentle with yourself. you do not have to be perfect (for anyone, even yourself). and i hope that the people who love you uplift you in your journey towards breaking away from this pattern that is no longer useful to you. thank YOU for not only reading my piece but sharing a piece of your story with me. giving you such big virtual hugs and hoping that you can treat yourself with the kindness you’ve so often shown others. 💗
the pandemic definitely helped a lot of us realize we needed to live differently. beautiful reflections 💕
yes! our lives are truly forever changed because of it. thank you for reading 🫶🏼
This resonated so much wow—I needed to hear all of this. I tend to fall into a cycle in all of my relationships, new and existing ones where I begin to invest more into, where it feels like I’m the one bending over backwards. Constantly checking in, offering emotional support, a listening ear, and setting intentions. Rarely, is this reciprocated and although I try to not “expect” anything you helped me realize I treat my self awareness of my ability to offer emotional support as currency. I throw dollar bills at people hoping they’ll catch them, put them at their waist, and maybe just maybe spend time with me. Maybe that’s a dramatic example LOL but I think yk what I mean.
not dramatic at all and i totally feel that!! it absolutely IS currency and a way for us to signal to people, look!! im valuable aren’t i? im worth of your time and investment aren’t i? and it’s hard to get off this hamster wheel when the feedback loop is so strong. but i just KNOW we’re gonna break this cycle together!!! love the metaphor you used btw for emotional support/investment <3